Saturday, February 01, 2014

Trying to Restrain

I want SO bad to rant and rave here, but I'm not going to do that. I've mentioned several times how I don't want this blog to be me whining about this or that. I know you all don't want to read that, and I don't want to be remembered for that impression.

That said, I am having a really hard time restraining myself in that regard today. You ever have one of those weeks where little things build and build up until one last thing just sets you off? That's where I'm at today.

The past couple of days, some things have happened that kind of ruined those days. To say they put me in a bad mood would be the understatement of the year. Completely wrecked my focus and drive to the point of a near standstill. And then today, something that just happened just set me off. Just the way it was done and what little regard was given.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I'm furious, but at the same time I'm just annoyed and frustrated with everything. I have spoken many times about needing a change, and that change has never been needed more than now.

In the interest of partial disclosure, my current living situation is anything but ideal, and I'm incredibly unhappy in it. But it's beyond my means at this time to change it. Every time I take a step toward that, I get pushed back ten. I am living with people I don't want to live with and don't really get along with, at least not anymore. And it has taken a huge toll on me, just ask my closest friends.

Anyone that knows me knows I work my butt off. But they also know where a lot of that pay goes, which is also not ideal. But it is what it is. I'm no slacker despite what certain people think of me. They just simply don't know me as well as they think they do, and have no clue what goes into what I do for a living.

I need to get out of here and I don't know how. Circumstances currently prohibit me from doing any other kind of work at the moment, and honestly, I don't have time for it anyway. I've got too much on my plate.

I don't know what I hoped to achieve in blogging about this, or whether it will make me feel better or not getting it out there. And I certainly don't know how to change things or I would have a long, long time ago.

If I can get my act together, I'll be a published author later this year. Prose, not comics. That's a huge step towards one of my dreams and goals, and one that could open lots of doors. That's then, though, not now. Still, I've worked for years toward certain goals and had many doubters, some of which live in this house with me. My hard work and sacrifice has paid off before, and it is paying off now. I'm not ready or willing to give that up.

So I don't know what the answer is. I just know if something doesn't change soon, both with my living situation and other circumstances that are prohibiting me from moving forward, I don't know what I'll do. I'm kind of an emotional mess because of these things. I do a pretty good job of holding it together and putting on a brave face and voice, but inside is raging sea of turmoil that I just don't know how to calm and set right.

The way I figure it, I need about $3-4,000 to get out of here and get a fresh start. Between rent wherever I go, past utility bills and new connection fees, food and supplies, and so forth, that would get me started. From there, it would be a struggle for a while, but I could manage I think.

Problem is, even though I'm constantly working, I'm not making enough to save that up in short order (and I have limited time - this house is up for sell), nor am I getting jobs that pay that large at this time.

Again, I don't know, I just felt like writing and really had to get this off my chest. I'm tired of complaining to my core friends, and though they are very supportive and never make me feel like I'm a bother, it still has to grate on people trying to enjoy their own lives or dealing with the own problems. So I turn here.

Whoever is reading this, thank you for indulging me. Any positive thoughts and/or prayers are greatly appreciated. And hey, if you're in the market for a letterer, logo designer or writer, keep me in mind!



Ron Fortier said...

Hang in there, Brant. Live is always a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. You'll pull through this to much better times. You're too strong a soul to ever give up.

Sasha Hitchner said...

If it is of any comfort to you, I appreciate your personal posts. Another human out there, being honest, being vulnerable before the world, sharing his feelings. I'm so far away from you I may as well be on another planet and yet so close. Just know that every time you post I am with you in love and spirit. You have a positive soul. Stay the lovely soul you are. You have my prayer. May the Lord, blessed be His Holy Name, send you all the help you need, peace and Light for your heart, miracles and wonders, work and angels to guide you. Ka-ching! There! All my love in this moment. Good things.

Brant W. Fowler said...

Thank you, Ron, that means a lot.

Sasha, thank you so very much for your kind words, prayers and uplifting encouragement. I greatly appreciate that, and thank you for reading my posts. It means a great deal to me that I am connecting to people. God bless you.

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