Friday, October 04, 2013

At Wits End

It is SO hard to restrain yourself and keep it together when you are constantly being attacked, over and over again, by people who claim to love you.

Here's a tip: Don't offer a kindness only to throw said kindness in one's face every single chance you get. That's not kindness at all.

These people not only kick you when you're down, they run over you with a bulldozer.

And some people that claim to be Christians need to learn what that word truly means. You're not.

As you can tell, I'm having a VERY frustrating day. I know you are supposed to pray for your enemies, turn the other cheek, and all that. I've prayed, and I ran out of cheeks a long time ago. Life has dealt me some... very intense and unavoidable situations over the past few years, and I can honestly say the last year has been the hardest of my life. Considering my life, that's saying a LOT.

Bottom line is when you're in tough situations, you learn real quick what people in your life are truly like. And to be perfectly honest, I'm sick and tired of having toxic people in my life. I want to move forward, but feel stuck and don't see a way out of my current situation, at least not immediately, which is what I so desperately need.

That said, let me make a positive note, because it is highly warranted here. I was recently blessed greatly, beyond what I deserved by a very dear person. That eliminated a few issues and will ultimately help me immensely. And for that, I'm eternally thankful, grateful, and I praise God for it.

But sadly, there are still other issues and factors that I can't seem to get around, and it worsens by the day because of my living situation and those I'm surrounded by. I have tried, and tried, and tried to come up with a solution. I've worked my butt off, I've looked into things, I've done the legwork. But no solution presents itself. And those people I mentioned sure don't make it easier. And unfortunately, at the moment, I can't escape them.

This is not a whining post - this is me expressing my frustration in the only way that is possible for me at this time - through the written word. I have held my peace for a year, and I have taken, and taken, and taken. But expressing that frustration in other ways would only do more harm than good, so, again, I'm trying hard to restrain myself. Believe me, it's a challenge!

I don't expect anything from this post, and I'm not putting out another cry for positive thoughts and prayers (though I won't turn them away, either). I just needed to put this into words and try to get on with my day.

Why do so in a public format? As I've said before on this very blog, there's something freeing about releasing it into the ether of the internet. Just writing it for myself feels like bottling it up and gives me no true release. So here, my thoughts flow freely, yet vaguely. I don't feel the need to call people out specifically or divulge every detail of my personal life. I just need to express it in a way that gives me some kind of release.

But going back to the topic at hand, I just need a way out of my current situation and I can't find it. I wish I could be more specific, but that's all I'll say. Anyone that feels a similar way, I can relate and I sympathize with you.

-B

3 comments:

Raymond Leonard said...

stay strong fam...i know life can be
tough especially when surrounded by the wrong people that claim they love you etc but just stay focus as possible-RAY

Brant W. Fowler said...

Much love, man. Thanks for the comment.

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