Friday, July 05, 2013

Seeking Change

Do you ever have one of those days you just want to scream? You just need some kind of release, but you can't get it in your current environment? You feel like punching everyone and everything in your path. Of course you refrain, but it's just bottled up and you want to let it out.

Today has been one of those days for me. What started off as a rather calm day quickly took a turn as forces surrounding me turned it into a nightmare. Now usually I can write my thoughts out and kind of channel my emotions that way. But in a public blog, that's not always the best course of action.

For some reason, though, just writing those thoughts privately, sharing with no one just doesn't do the trick. That said, I'm not going to divulge the day's events here. This is more of a diversionary tactic, writing this post, in hopes that I can release enough of the pent up frustration to rest easy.

The past three years of my life have been very, very trying. Setback after setback has impeded me, and attack after attack has thwarted me at every turn. First, there was being ill and initially getting no help at all to take care of that illness, which resulted in losing half my clientele from being too sick to work. Then my mom got even sicker and had major surgery to correct that sickness after terrifying my brother and I. And almost immediately after, we lost everything with seemingly no remorse to those taking it from us.

There have been many smaller obstacles and pitfalls mixed throughout as well, a couple of them recent. And a couple of big ones as well, which I won't yet go into.

The past 9 months, I must say, have been the most difficult of my life. That is saying a lot, considering everything I've been through. But this time, unlike past times, it hasn't been one or two things causing havoc, it's been countless things stacked upon each other with seemingly no let up through the course of it.

I am a man of faith, and my beliefs have never wavered, but I must admit that my faith may have a little bit. And hope, at times, seemed a foreign concept to me. I know I have to keep my heart set, and stand upon that faith, which has seen me through many trials in my life. It's just incredibly difficult when it feels as though there is no defense for the onslaught pouring against me.

Still, I know who I am and where I am, and no one needs to tell me that. Others may think they know better, or assume things about my situation or where my place should be. That matters not. What does matter is my own walk, and that is between me and God.

Not to sidetrack, I just wanted to cover my bases as I have no clue who reads this blog. Most that comment are anonymous, which truly says volumes in and of itself. Not about me, but about them.

In any case, today has been a day of frustration, anger, discontent and sadness. Funny that, considering something good happened before all that came crashing down. Though I guess that rings true with the way things work. There's always bad with the good.

Honestly, I just want a fresh start - a clean break. Unfortunately, I'm nowhere near in a position to make that particular dream a reality at the moment. I can't just think of myself, and that's the way it has always been. That's not something I regret, but still it is a burden that has weighed on me at times, and does so now.

I am constantly looking toward change - ways to correct things and set things anew - but it's not nearly as easy as just doing it. I''ve never, ever been one to put myself above others, always looking to do what is right for those around me before myself. It's who I am - who God made me. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more selfish, quite frankly. But it's just not in my nature. Unlike many people I know as it turns out.

Am I bitter? A little, I'll admit. And angry, and hurt above all. But I'm not weak - not by any stretch of the imagination. I have been knocked down more times than I can remember, but never knocked out. I will bounce back, I know that in my heart. I do have faith and even hope that will happen. Even on days like today, when all hope is sapped from me, I find it again. Maybe it's just survival instinct, but no, I know it's more than that.

I wish things were different, sure. I wish I had done many things differently. I'm not perfect, after all. That's not an excuse, just a statement of fact. But I wasted so many years feeling my dreams were wrong or that I was not supposed to follow them, and I was miserable because of that. I won't give up on my dreams, no matter how bleak they seem at the moment. Nor will I conform to others' perception of who I am again as I did in my younger, more naive years. If people won't accept me for who I am then they don't deserve to be in my life.

The bottom line is I need to find a way to remove myself from my current situation, and forge my own new situation. I need to not surround myself with forces that cause me such grief and compile the very emotions I seek to escape at the moment. I just wish I knew how to make that happen - how to change things and quickly. I don't have time for long-term plans at this point. I need a quick miracle, and I jest not.

I have been the recipient of miracles before. Miracles that have saved my home, my family, and even my life. I am a believer of miracles, and I do pray Not as much as I should, but I do. And not only for myself or my situation, but for those around me, those I care about, strangers, and even enemies. It's what I know to do.

Will this bring about my miracle? I can't say. All I know is that I NEED change, and I need it fast. Writing this won't bring that about, I know. But even without divulging details, as always, this process has been therapeutic. I have my release now, and so I can rest.

God bless.

-B

1 comment:

Sasha Hitchner said...

My name is Sasha. I read your words. I hear you. You are waking up I think. You are like me, or the other way round. So, I have the same tale. I went to a place so different to get perspective. It worked. The miracle begins when we know what we want and want it badly enough to create it. Move one thing. Change one thing. Do one thing otherwise and see what happens. Clearly you, and only you can do it,need to do something differently. The king of the Universe sends loud calls to us to stop,think,change in ways we find distressing. We must pay attention. We must be brave. The universe supports action. Act. Small steps. I look forward to seeing you packed your bags and took time out and ..... anything can happen after that and usually does. Sending love and ─║ight.