Saturday, May 11, 2013

If There is No Struggle...


This week has been one of the most difficult weeks I've had for a long, long time for reasons I won't go into here. But the range of areas it affected in my life go from emotional, to physical, to spiritual, and all of those areas were significantly battered and beaten over and over again.

I guess it speaks of my resolve and God's hand in my life that I am able to so casually blog about it in the aftermath. That certainly doesn't diminish the effect these incidents had on me, though. And that has caused me to do a lot of thinking. A LOT of thinking. Thinking about my choices, how my time is spent, who in my life is good for me and who isn't, what things I need to do to change certain circumstances, what I want, what I need... just everything in life in general.

I realize throughout the course of this blog I go through these things that occasionally cause me to be introspective in a random post here. And I typically list all this things I'm battling, either vaguely or right out. And then I always manage to find some shred of positivity to tack on the end of my long-winded diatribe. But let's be honest - there isn't always a visible silver lining, even if there is one hiding on the other side.

This is one of those times. I see everything I've fought against during the course of my life - everything that has brought me to the point I'm at now. I can look at those things and say "if I had done this" or "if this hadn't happened to me" but none of that can be changed, and thinking about those things only adds to the stress and frustration already present. So then I can try to look forward and see what wondrous things await me if I can just get there.

The problem, then, lies within the present. And therein lies the problem. Because I don't see a way out - none that I would consider anyway, and none nearly fast enough to get me the results I so desperately need immediately. So how do you go from point A to point B when you can't see the path?

Some out there will say "through prayer." And that's fine and well. I trust God, I believe in God, and I have prayed my entire life. Prayer has brought me through many a thing. I don't care whether you believe that or not. But sometimes... it's not that I don't think prayer works, or that God's on vacation for this problem. It's just that sometimes God expects us to dig our own way out. And I feel this is one of those times. But I just don't see how.

I know what I want to do, I really do. And it's not what I'm doing right now, at least not completely. There are parts of what I currently do I enjoy (and wish I was getting paid for them), but there are other things I wish I could leave behind and do something else.

Don't confuse this post thinking just because of that last paragraph, though, that this is all about money or work, it's not. There are several things in my life I need changed and need changed fast. I've needed them changed fast for years. And believe me, I have tried and tried and tried, despite what some would tell you who, quite frankly, don't have a clue what they're talking about and have not walked in my shoes.

I am just completely and utterly frustrated about several issues in my life and I just can't see a way through them, around them, over them, under them, etc.

Sometimes in this blog I get a little melodramatic - you might say this is one of those times. For the most part, I really do try to keep my personal struggles out of the public eye. I have a few select friends I vent to once in a while, and I appreciate them for that. But on social media, in front of the camera, on websites and forums, or whatever I try not to do that. I don't like being "that guy." I already feel my professional reputation has been damaged due to circumstances beyond my control that I can't really explain to people, so I certainly don't want to add fuel to that particular fire by being "that guy" across the internet.

This blog, though, is therapeutic to me in times like this. Perhaps I should just keep it private like a journal and not post it to a blog. But there's something liberating about letting the world read what I've written.

I have let down a lot of people in recent times. Not intentionally in the least bit. In fact, I tend to over extend myself trying to do everything and end up falling short. But the past 6 months have been a whirlwind - heck, the past two years have been the absolute hardest years of my life. And coming up how I did and experiencing what I did then, that's saying a lot, trust me. I'm not trying to make excuses, but those let-downs have begun impacting aspects of my life and career and I keep trying and trying to repair them.

The fact is no one will ever be able to walk in anyone else's shoes, not totally. And so no matter how much I explain, sometimes people just don't see it. They can empathize or sympathize, but sometimes they just get tired of hearing it. And that shows they just really don't understand. And that's fine, I don't expect them to. Hopefully they know me well enough and trust me enough to know who I am and how I am.

I don't know if there is a point to all this rambling and jumping around, which I am well aware of that I'm doing. I just know I needed to write. I should be doing other things right now. I should be working. I should be proofreading and revising this before it posts. I won't though. And I'll still work most of the night as I always do, regardless of what people like to believe.

I don't know what the answers are to my situation. And I'm so vague in posts like these that no one reading could possibly offer me any specific advice. I'm not looking for it. I'm not looking for anything really, I just wanted to let it out. Talking to my friends and even my mother just weren't enough this time. I felt I needed to write, and so I am.

Writing. I realized recently that I have always been a writer. I considered myself an artist above all else when I was a kid and a teenager. Then that passion turned to singing as I gained confidence, and that has remained my number one creative passion ever since. In college, thanks to a fabulous teacher, I fell in love with writing, but still considered it second to singing. And I still love singing and music. But I have come to the realization that I have always written in some form or another, and it's what I find the most solace in. The creativity of it; the freedom of it just enthralls me. I am able to express myself in ways through writing I'm just not able to in any other way.

I am honest with myself when it comes to my skills and abilities. I am an okay artist. I have a long way to go, and I'm still not the most creative artist. I am a bit too logical and analytical to really be able to express myself artistically. I am addicted to symmetry, for example, and that's not always called for artistically. And singing, I'm a good singer I think. I'm not a great singer, and I know that. I accept that.

Writing is different, this rambling novel aside. It just comes so naturally for me. When I actually begin to write, I have a hard time stopping. And if I'm writing a story, it just comes to me as I'm typing.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this. It's one random statement after another, and I have now gone beyond rambling into near babbling. So I think it's time to call it quits for this post and move on to something else.

Before I do, though, let me just close with this: I am frustrated, and I am emotional. I'm kind of a mess right now, anyone close to me will tell you that. I try to keep it together, and I try to keep all the pieces moving. I am finding happiness where I can, and that comes in the form of podcasting and comics right now, I'll be honest. Those are the things that are keeping me sane at the moment. Getting to talk with friends about like passions. But I'm also struggling. I'm working towards several things, trying to make several dreams happen, all the while trying to keep my head afloat and it's hard. It's beyond hard, it's nearly impossible given all the factors I am currently dealing with.

So while I am not looking for anything from anyone reading this in terms of comments, advice, or even a kind word, I will ask for one thing though. Send thoughts and/or prayers my way. I can always use those.

I have gotten a lot of support from people in recent months. Some old friends, some new, and some total strangers that appreciate the things I do. I appreciate and thank all of you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. Without you all I honestly don't know if I could have made it through my most recent struggles.

And with that, I bid you farewell until the next random post at some future date and time.

-B

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