Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Contemplative

This morning on Facebook I posted that the day was ripe for productivity. And it started off that way... for about half the day. Then I ran out of steam and kind of just wasted time for a while.

My days aren't over in a 9-5 slot, and usually see me up into the wee hours of the night, so there's still plenty of time for productivity. But I can't help but chuckle at the lack thereof presently that sees me blogging instead of working. :)

One thing about wasting time is you''re left with your thoughts. And today has been that kind of day for me. Sometimes being left with one's thoughts isn't necessarily a good thing, but for me today it was neither good nor bad, it just was...

I have been thinking a lot about my life lately. Sometimes I'm looking forward, other times I'm stuck ten years in the past. That wasn't the case today, it was more along the lines of taking a look at my life and trying to figure out what exactly I want out of it.

I am a creative and passionate person, so there are always ten dozen things I want to do at any given time. There are multiple areas I have some talent and skill in, and many times I want to produce in all those areas at once. Obviously that doesn't and can't really happen, but the desire is still there.

All the same, I often wonder if the choices I've made have put me on the correct path. And I'm talking strictly career here, not spirituality. I know that path, and I know where it lies for me. That's a whole other topic I'm not trying to touch on right now.

Bottom line is, if I'm being truly honest with myself, I'm not doing what I am most passionate about and what I love the most. I enjoy what I do, and I have fun with it. I don't intend on stopping, but at the same time there just has to be more for me.

I have never wanted to be average and live an average life. I'm not necessarily looking for fame, but the monotony and complacency of the average person doesn't appeal to me. I've been down that road many times. I've followed paths others wanted me to and I was miserable. And I'm not talking your general "I hate work" misery, I'm talking completely unhappy and hating every waking moment misery.

There are people in my life that don't understand that - that don't understand me, and never have and probably never will. And I'm not saying one doesn't have to make sacrifices and do what they don't want to do at times. Believe me, I know a thing or two about sacrifice. But at the same time, I won't ever be satisfied by that existence like some can or choose to be. It's not me - it's not who I am.

So, I've really been contemplating where to go from here. I'm at a crossroads right now in more ways than one. There is change being forced upon me, leaving me in a pretty bad place quite frankly - one with little hope at the moment in fact. And while I don't see a way out of that particular situation I still find myself trying to figure out where I'm going.

I know what I want, and I know some ways to try for it. But there are still huge obstacles in my way. I just have to figure out just how passionate I am about certain dreams, how much I'm just going through the motions with others and figure out a plan of attack.

So I guess in a way, the latter half of this day has been productive in a manner of speaking after all. Not productive in terms of actually accomplishing tasks and goals like the first half of this day was, but productive at trying to work things out for the near and distant future.

As you can surely tell, I have been quite contemplative today, and I gather I will continue to be for a while.

-B

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