But that leads me into the thought of the day: I want to write.
Now you're saying, "But, Brant... you're writing right now!" But that's not what I mean, of course. Sure, I do want to blog more and give you all a reason to come back here, but I want to do more.
In the past few weeks, I've talked to a few friends that I hadn't talked to for a while. And each of them asked me first thing, "So, what have you been writing lately?" or something to that degree. And my sad, sheepish answer was always something to the effect of "I haven't had time to write, just work."
I consider myself a writer more than anything to be honest. And believe me, it took me a LONG time to admit that to myself. When I was in my grade school years to mid-teens, I would tell you I was an artist. That's what I wanted to do, more than anything, was draw. That was what I was going to do with my life. I was destined to be an artist. Now, I rarely even pick up a pencil, and sadly some of that passion is gone. That's a whole other topic, though.
As I got a little bit older, I truly realized my passion for music. I knew I was going to sing. That was what I loved more than any other creative aspect of my life. And hoonestly, I still love to sing - it's a huge part of who I am. I love music of most kinds, I listen to it all the time, and I'm constantly singing while I'm working, showering, walking, whatever. But sadly, that, as a career, never came either.
In my early 20s I started seriously writing. Mainly poetry and song lyrics, but a few short stories here and there as well. As time went on, I found myself writing comic scripts, screenplays, reviews, articles, columns, etc. I became passionate about the written word. And if I'm being completely honest, more than my singing, art, and even acting to a far lesser degree, people responded to my writing. I learned pretty quick that I was pretty good.
I've always said that I'm better at conveying myself through the written word than verbally, which is odd considering I do podcasts all the time, and seem to talk more these days than I ever write. But still, I suppose I have a talent for it, and I enjoy doing it. The only problem is I never have time for it.
Now of course, anyone with any common sense will tell you that if it's something you truly love you can and will make time for it. But those people, as sound as their advice may be, don't live my life or walk in my shoes. I WANT to write, I really do. There are articles I have in me that I want to get down. There is stuff I want to review. And more importantly, there are many stories I want to tell in comic novel, screenplay, etc. form. It's just that after working all I want to do is relax.
Someone once told me that working for yourself was much harder than working a 9-5 job for the simple fact that when you work for yourself you tend to work ALL THE TIME. You have no set hours, so you just work. And once you get in a groove you keep going. Plus, if you don't keep working, you don't have a guaranteed weekly, bi-weekly or monthly check coming in. In my line of work, if I take a day off, it could set me back weeks. So I tend to work 7 days a week. Granted, I do take time for myself on Saturday for a few short hours, but otherwise it's either working or looking for more work. No time to write (or for anything else for that matter, much to the chagrin of my friends and family).
I consider myself a creative person and a creative spirit, though. I have worked in offices, factories, stores, outdoors, and so forth. While some of those did provide steady pay, they were honestly the most depressing , disheartening and hated times of my life. I tried to fit myself into a mold that others told me I should, and I was miserable. Sure, I liked having bills paid and food on the table, and a little extra from time to time. But it left no time for what I really wanted to do in life.
Don't get me wrong, I know we have to work, and believe me, I do. Harder and longer than I ever did doing 9-5 jobs. I hit dry spells in work flow from time to time, and being sick, having surgery and then recovering set me back a whole lot. I was weeks and months behind on work, and then the main company I did get a monthly check from folded under. That hurt. Thankfully, things have taken a turn and are getting back on track.
But what all that means is I STILL have NO TIME TO WRITE! It's a burning, aching desire within me, just like singing still is and art used to be. I want to do SO much, but I have no time, or no energy in the instances - however rare they may be - that I do have time.
I'm not sure how to balance things, or change things in a way that I won't be miserable, but I'm working on it. Doing blog posts like this is a step, believe it or not. Writing blog posts kind of invigorates me - makes me want to write more. I just hope I can find the time, energy and focus to pour that drive into something creative soon.
I want to write. I have stuff I need to write. Yet, instead, I find myself writing about wanting to write and not actually writing. Creative writing takes thought, research and planning, at least for what I want to do. Though I do tend to write in a way that lets the story dictate the pace and events, there's still rewrites, edits, etc. Blog posts are generally streams of consciousness and don't require any of that.
Today is going to be a long work day. I am sincerely hoping that I can get enough done today to warrant a longer break over the weekend. And maybe, just maybe I'll make some time for some actual writing. Because I do want to write. Now I just have to.