I want to lose weight, I really do. And I want to be healthy, more than you know. But I love food, man, I can't help it.
I used to be very strong willed and could resist no matter what was in the house or around me. I stayed fairly thin (never skinny) for years, and still splurged on occasion. But after a rough 2-3 years with some stuff going on I just lost that will power, and now, if there's something delectable in the house I'll eat it, even if I don't want it!
For instance, tonight, I had nothing for dessert in the house, or at least nothing ready made. And the thing is, I wasn't even hungry so it shouldn't have mattered. But I have this thing where I feel like I have to eat when I watch a movie, and I was about to watch a movie. So even though I had just eaten a sandwich like an hour earlier I decided to fix myself a sandwich, mainly because I wanted to eat food-food before eating dessert. Crazy logic, I know.
So anyway, I started foraging through the house for something to eat for dessert afterward. Well, I had bought a graham cracker crust by accident at the store and was going to take it back. So then I started thinking of what I could put in that crust. I had bought some pudding for a dish for Thanksgiving, but I didn't want to use that. Then I remembered there was a small box of pistachio pudding in the cupboard, and so I went with it, despite the fact I'm not supposed to eat any kind of nuts, and despite the fact that I wasn't really sure how well pistachio pie was going to taste.
Well, I made the pudding and poured it in the crust and discovered it barely came halfway up the crust. So I chilled it for an hour to get it firm, then I covered it with cool whip. Yeah.
Now, the idea of pistachio pudding on a graham cracker crust alone is bad enough, but adding cool whip to it just made it that much worse.
So I proceeded to eat my sandwich and watch my movie. Then about halfway through the movie, even though I wasn't hungry at all, I cut me a slice of the pie and, get this, poured myself a glass of egg nog, and returned to the movie.
Suffice it to say, I'm sorely regretting that terrible decision on many levels. And I feel guilty about indulging myself like that.
See, I was a heavy kid up until the age of 15 (I may have mentioned this before). So I never wanted to be heavy again. Then I got heavier than I'd been in my life, lost some of it, then put half of that back on. And I'm just not happy with my current state and want to change it, but I'm so weak.
Oh, and last night I had pizza. It was a small pizza, but pizza no less, and half of it had green peppers and onions on it. Great for the gall stones I know. I guess I got what I deserved with that one, though, because they burnt it.
I guess the good thing is I haven't actually gained any weight recently, probably because I only eat like one meal a day (supper) and a few light snacks through the day (graham crackers, wheat thins, and the like). But I haven't lost any either, which sucks. I really wanted to lose some before the holidays, but with Thanksgiving in a few days I just don't see that happening. Maybe before Christmas, but come on. My family is having like 15 desserts at Thanksgiving, and wants to get together and make candy for Christmas. I mean really?
I am so weak.
Honestly, I think if I was living on my own right now I wouldn't have this problem because I wouldn't buy the stuff. It's just hard and I've got to break the cycle somehow.
I was supposed to be starting a gym with my cousin, but he never called me back about it, and I don't want to go alone, at least not yet. And the treadmill is still buried under boxes in the garage, and there's nowhere in the house to put it anyway, so...
Sigh, I need to find my will power again and stay away from all the junk! Luckily, I've been spared attacks for the past few days somehow, but if I keep eating like this it's only a matter of time.
I did eat healthier this week up until yesterday, so I was doing good. I just shouldn't have caved with that stupid nasty pie tonight because now I feel like I'm gonna puke!
I am so weak.