Saturday, October 18, 2008

I Have No Life

Friday night and I've been home all night long. Such is the case every Friday night, and most nights in general. Any friends I have left are either in other cities or states, or have their own things going on.

I'm not having a pity party, and I'm not down about it, just being observational. I've got to get out more! I stay tied to this computer more than anything. I get lost on this thing for days, and generally I'm not goofing off. I barely even check message boards or blogs anymore. I check emails, and I work. Occasionally I'll watch a show I missed on one of the network sites, but aside from that it's work, work, work.

And that's a good thing, I'm not complaining. Just saying I need to get out of this house more! I get stir crazy from time to time. Then there's times like tonight, when I should either be working or sleeping, and I can't bring myself to do either. I'm bored and listless.

I'm really not crying and whining here, I mean it. I'm just publicly evaluating my current life status as it were. :) I have nothing better to do, so why not, right? I mean, that's what most people blog for isn't it? To get things they're thinking about out? It's like writing in a journal, except instead of it being by your bed under lock and key, it's on the world wide web for millions of people to potentially read. No biggie.

Lately, though, I've felt like I've only used this blog to talk specifically about my work status more than anything. That's not solely why I started this blog though. A while back someone told me I should keep personal stuff off this blog since it's tied to my website, which is work-centric. But then that betrays the real reason I started the blog, which was to talk about my life and what's going on, and what I'm thinking about at any given time. It's also why many of you started following it, and some of you became good friends through.

But lately I feel like I've neglected that side of things. Or when I have gone that route it's been negative. The truth is, my life is pretty boring. I don't have a ton of stories to tell, or experiences every week to share. And frankly, I don't have time to think about the important issues I should be concerning myself with at my age.

Like politics for example. I've barely even followed the election stuff this time around. I don't know much about McCain or Obama, and while I do feel like if you don't vote you don't really have a right to complain, I just don't care that much because it's the same old nonsense. Smear campaigns left and right, left wingers vs right wingers, religious folk vs non-religious folk... you have celebrities endorsing Obama, and churches backing McCain, and the truth is in almost every election it's like choosing the lesser of two evils, and you're never quite clear just who that is. It just gets old!

Then there's religion, which is a big part of my life. Well, I hate the term "religion", but belief in God and my relationship with Him is something that has molded me and shaped me into who I am. But I don't talk about it much, or even think about it as much as I should these days. Ever since what went down a few years ago I've found myself trying to figure out a lot of things and find the answers for myself instead of taking the word of those I don't necessarily trust anymore. Not that I ever followed what anyone said vs. what I found myself, but I have to admit that some of it I didn't research as much as I should have, and now I have questions.

And there are a whole bunch of other things I should be thinking and talking about, but I just don't. I keep it pretty shallow here with discussions on movies and books, and comics and work. Nothing too deep and meaty. Not that I have to be deep and philosophical all the time - Lord knows we have enough of that in this world already - but I suppose I figure every once in a while I should.

I don't know, now I'm rambling and ranting for no reason at all, and I'm not even sure what brought this on. I guess that's what boredom does to you - it makes you think.

About a year and a half ago I became disillusioned with the idea of turning 30, and I blogged about that, noting that my life wasn't where I wanted it to be. That blog brought a lot of people emailing me asking if I was happy with this or that, and that I needn't think to poorly of getting older, and yadda, yadda, yadda. In March I turn 32 and, sadly, not much has changed in nearly two years. I've finally got a book out, and I've met some people I had wanted to meet for a while, but aside from that not much else is different.

That said, I'm not crying over my tea wishing I had done this or that anymore. I'm really trying not to live in the past anymore lamenting over decisions or the lack thereof. I spent a number of years doing just that and was miserable. The past year or so I've really tried to shed that way of thinking and only concentrate on today, looking forward to tomorrow. It's not always easy, but it's what you have to do to move forward or you become stuck.

Do I think I'm stuck? I think I'm stalled, not stuck. I have moved forward, albeit at a snail's pace, but that's still moving forward. I'm looking ahead and not back, and I'm no longer depressed, but hopeful, which is something I couldn't say two years ago. I've come a long way, thanks to the support of those that read this blog, specifically some people who have become dear friends over the past few years.

I'm not sure what my path is anymore to be honest. I know there are things I still want to do, but I still haven't discovered the right route to take to get there. And I know there are still things I'm supposed to do, that I believe firmly in, but that route, too, is undiscovered. I have no doubt I will achieve these things. I have no questions about whether they are the right things to pursue or not any longer. The only questions I have are about the routes to take to reach those places. But over time I'll figure that out too, I'm sure, with a little help here and there.

I used to think about my age and all that I had missed in life. I used to think that because of my age I wouldn't be able to do certain things I had wanted to. I would think about not having a house of my own, being single at 32, not being settled into a good paying career, not living my dreams or my calling, and so forth and so on. While those things are natural, and I do still wonder from time to time, I can't be consumed with things like that. Yeah, I'm 31 and haven't been on a date in longer than I care to admit. No, I don't own my own home, and no I'm not living all my dreams... yet. But I am hopeful and I see things in a positive light, which, again, is not something I could have said two years ago.

I've often thought about ending this blog and starting fresh at some point. I don't know why, I just feel like everything here over the past two years is a part of my past. Maybe at some point I actually will end it and start over. Maybe it will come at a time that I make a change in my life. Maybe I'll just get fed up and do it one day. Or maybe this thing will go on until I can blog no longer. Who knows? I sure don't.

But right now it's still here, I'm still here, and as long as I have something... anything to say, I'll be posting here. It may not be all that interesting at times. It may just be updates on my lettering and writing, or links to other blogs, or whatever. It may be late night rants like this when I can't sleep. It may be... well, I don't know what else it could be. But it'll be something.

And as I try to bring this particular post to a close I find myself thinking about what a monumental waste of time this post is! I've basically said nothing at all, yet still I feel accomplished for having ridded my mind of some unneccessary junk that was taking up unneeded space. So I guess that was the purpose of this post and nothing more. Maybe I said something in there that resonates with someone, maybe not. Maybe it sounds like the same old drivel, or not. I don't know, take from it what you will.

And off I go on another tangent because that made me think of something that's totally unrelated and has no connection or segue to in any way, shape or form. Sometimes people are surprised by me. Why, I don't know. Sometimes it's how deep my voice is when people speak to me for the first time because, for some unknown reason, everyone assumes I'd have a higher voice. Sometimes it's because of the way I talk, which changes from time to time. I'm not referring to any accent or tone, but in the way I speak. Sometimes I'll be silent and somber, while other times I'll be loud and exuberant, and people who are used to one way are shocked by the other like I can't have different moods or something.

Just the other day Scott called and I, knowing it was him, answered the phone with a loud SCOTTY! to which he replied with hesitation not sure it was even me he called. I found this humorous that someone would get so baffled by a change of inflection. I mean sure, most of the time I talk to Scott, which isn't very much, I'm a little subdued. And since we've only met in person twice, both times at cons I'd never been to, meeting people I'd never met, and doing things I'd never done, I was a little gunshy. I'm the kind of person it takes me a minute to warm up to you, and in those situations I held back a bit at first. But still, the poor guy seemed helpless and completely shocked, which was just hilarious to me.

Even my brother acts like I'm crazy when I go all goofy, something I've done for years with him, but still gets him panicked like something's wrong with me. In his case, what he doesn't understand is that these four walls are what I see more times than not and sometimes I just have to let that fun side out to gain some sanity.

I guess things like that let me know I still have a little mystery to me, which is a comforting thing seeing how much of my life, however eventless it may be, is on display through this blog. It's funny, though, that people who have known me my whole life still really don't know me, or at least don't know all sides of me. Admittedly, I'm a guarded person, and I rarely let anyone in to the point of familiarity, and never do I let anyone completely in, not even family. There are parts of me just for me that no one sees, at least so far. And I like it that way to be honest. I like saving something for, possibly, someone special someday, if I ever meet her. haha.

I don't know, this rant has run the gamut now. I think I've covered everything, and if I haven't, if I don't quit now, I'm sure I'll run off on another tangent. Believe it or not, I'm actually holding back right now. There are things I want to talk about but am thinking better of.

So on that note, I think I'll call it quits before I change my mind. I do know one thing though. I've got to find a way and time to write, because a lot of what goes through my mind that I shouldn't talk about here could be put to use, masked of course, in the form of writing. Plus I just don't get to write that often anymore and it all bottles up inside, all these ideas and such.

Anyway, there I go again...



Jason B-L/ DragonFUZE said...

I know what you mean re needing to write. I have had this urge bubbling up in me this last week or so - so much so that I am considering writing a novel now; more than 8 years after I gave up my last attempt.

This was a really interesting post and gave me a lot of insight into the life of a good friend. I admire how honest you are with yourself.

Ray said...

Brant I understand somewhat your frustration. i will check in with you again soon via email I think. I don't go out all that much and it is Friday night as I type this and I've been home most of the day actually. Kinda enjoy it sometimes, others not so much.