Monday, June 23, 2008

Reflections

Man, it's been a bit, hasn't it? Sorry, I've just been really, really busy with some small jobs I picked up the past couple of weeks. And when I'm done I just don't have the energy to keep up with blogs or anything and just want to get off the computer.

Well, before I get into the topic of this post, let me say that I will be at Wizard World Chicago this weekend, most likely all four days. I won't have a table or anything like that, I'm just going for the fun of it, to hang out with some people I've been wanting to meet in person, and maybe to network a little. This will be my first convention, so I'm looking forward to it.

I will be doing a write up of it for www.comicrelated.com though, so keep an eye out for that.

Now, there has to be a reason I used the word "reflections" as the title of this post right? You know me, I typically don't use meaningful titles like that unless I intend them to mean something at the moment. So yes, I have been reflecting on things lately, namely this morning. lol. So here's the deal.

The jobs I've picked up lately have been writing jobs primarily. Not fiction writing or anything like that, but SEO articles, blog postings and the like. I'm actually pretty decent at it to, or so I'm told. I haven't really had any complaints yet, so I must be doing something right. So that's been a lot of fun. A lot of work (writing can be very time consuming, especially when research is involved if you happen to be writing about topics you know nothing about, like, say, horse racing), but a lot of fun. In fact, it has made me realize, once again, why I fell in love with writing in college, and it's made me wonder why I don't write that often anymore. I realize I'm usually busy with lettering, logo design or life, but writing is such a part of me that I don't understand where that fire to write went. With the Platinum contest and these small jobs, it's becoming clear to me one of the things I need to do.

Another reflection is upon music. Ironically, one of the gigs I have right now is writing short descriptions of music artists, predominately hip-hop and R&B acts, with some pop and country artists thrown in here and there. And that has got me listening to more music than I have been for a while, and I found myself wondering why in the world I never turned on the radio or CD player anymore. I love music, and singing. They are my first love in the creative arts. So what's the deal, right?

Then there's art, which is still hard for me to get into. I've got some kind of mental block or something that just won't let me get into it. I used to love to draw, day and night, nonstop, but I still find myself forcing myself to draw every so often, but most times I just... don't.

And finally there's acting. I had an opportunity to go audition for a couple of roles this past Saturday in a local film with national distribution. I did honestly have some transportation issues, but I had one option that would have had me stranded there all day, but I still would have made it. And yet I chose not to go. Not because I was scared or anything though. Honestly, I don't know what my problem was. It just felt like too much of a hassle trying to work it out and I felt a bit stressed out over the whole ordeal because of the hassle. So I skipped it and immediately regretted it.

I realize that every so often I get on here and make a post about finding the passion for this or that again and getting back into it, so you're probably all tired of hearing it. The truth is, though, when I make those posts I do actually believe them, but then reality sets in and I get busy again, and everything gets put on hold again. And I continually wrestle with it all.

So as I was listening to songs on YouTube while I wrote music artist descriptions this morning I began to just stare out the window and start asking myself what I really want. And if what I know I want is really what I want then why am I not working harder towards it all? And that's where the "reflections" title of this post comes from.

I've not completely been sitting on my laurels, mind you, but I haven't exactly been grabbing the bull by the horns either. Sure, I've had legitimate reasons for some of my hesitancy and lack of action, which I won't discuss here, but trust me, there were things I could not overcome at certain times. But now that things are starting to smooth out I should be paying more attention to my dreams.

I think part of it is that there is so much I want to do and so many interests I have that I'm not entirely clear on what I should focus on, or what exact steps I should take to achieve these goals. Do I focus on writing or music? Art or acting? All, one, or what? If music, do I learn an instrument so I can write my own melodies? If art, do I take some art classes? I mean, there are just so many questions, and only I can answer them, I know. I'm just an indecisive sort when it comes to big decisions as I tend to over analyze things at times. And then I begin to feel overwhelmed and torn.

I remember a quote from Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit where Whoopi Goldberg's character was quoting some book about being a writer. She was using it as an analogy for inspiring a girl to sing. In the quote she said it said something to the effect of when you wake up in the morning if all you want to do is write then you're a writer. Then she told the girl that if all she thinks about in the morning is singing then she's a singer.

The problem is, there are some mornings I think about singing, others I think about writing, and so on and so forth. I say music and singing is my first love, but I truly do love writing. And drawing used to be my passion, and acting is something I've always been interested in and greatly respected. Watching movies at the movie theater is one of my favorite pastimes, and being part of something like that has always been a dream. Not for the fame, glory or riches (though the latter I wouldn't mind), but for the creativity and the imagination.

So honestly, I love all four equally I think, and my passion lies with all four. I just haven't figured out how to pursue all four without becoming overwhelmed and frustrated, you know?

I don't know, I don't think I'm explaining it right. I know what I want to say, but I can't seem to find the words to properly express it (some writer, huh?).

Basically, I'm just reflecting on my life as a whole; where I'm at and where I want to be, and trying to figure out what I need to do to get there and still have time to do everything else I have to and need to do (like work, which is enjoyable in the creative fields of course).

And that's about as deep as I have the energy to get at the moment as I've been up all night and my eyes are starting to cross. Time to take a short break before getting back to it for a while more.

B-Out

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