Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Dealing

Thanks for all the well wishes, condolences, and so forth. This past week was extremely hard for me. As my brother and mother can attest, I pretty much locked myself in my room for 3 days straight trying to cope with what had happened. I couldn't even make it to the funeral. I just couldn't face it. Maybe if I had seen him over the course of the past two years I would have been okay, but not seeing him, and then seeing him like that... I just couldn't do it. I understand that funerals are for the living more than anything, and believe me, it tore me up not being there for the family, but I just couldn't. I hope they can understand.

My mother and brother went to visitation, and my cousin went to the funeral. From what I hear, there were a lot of people there including friends, family, church members and more. And because he was in the National Guard he got the salute and so forth. He had also won medals, which were delivered to his parents prior I understand.

It's been over a week now, and it still just doesn't seem real. When his obituary was posted in the paper and on the paper's website, it became very real for me as up to that point it felt so far away. That was when I finally broke and just shut myself in so to speak. He was just so young and had so much potential. But I have to believe that God is far more wise than I and knew what his future beheld.

The other night I was all alone in the house and it was late at night (this was Friday night, the night before the funeral), and I felt a presence. Now, I don't really believe in ghosts, but I do believe in angels, demons, God and Satan. And so I've felt presences plenty of times, but this was different. I could have sworn I saw Michael walking up the stairs towards me just for a second. Now, I know the mind can play tricks, and that's probably typical in grief, and as I said, I don't necessarily believe in ghosts per se. But it was just a strange sensation. I don't know if it was my imagination, or if it was God letting me know he's okay. Whatever it was, it kept me up all night. Not out of fear, but because basically since it happened every time I close my eyes, I see his face. I've barely slept all week.

But I'm getting better. I got back into work in the latter part of the weekend and yesterday. I'm bouncing back, though I'm sure it will be a LONG time before I accept this completely.

Again, thanks for everyone's support and understanding, you all have been great.

Everything else in my life is moving steadily along right now, and I will resume updates throughout this week.

B-Out

1 comment:

Jenny said...

Although it never goes away completely-it does get a little easier to deal with the loss of a loved one. I still cry sometimes when I think about my dad (gone 2 years this May), but I know he's thinking of me. And, I imagine your friend is thinking of you and everyone else who mattered in his life.